OTHL -- In a couple of weeks, the OTHL's latest features will come to life, when the weekly featured articles arrive to the website. But as a teaser we have obtained a copy of the first issue of "Face to Face", a series of interviews conducted with OTHL personalities. And first on the hot seat, is Dallas center Alexei Jashin.
James Jones: Thanks for taking the time to do this Alexei.
Alexei Yashin: Thank you for paying me $1.2 million to do the interview, now hurry this up, I have money to count.
JJ: Sorry, this won’t take long.
AY: It better not, or else I’m charging extra for each second you go over. If you think your cell phone company is bad, you haven’t met me.
JJ: Okay, fair enough.
JJ: I’ve noticed that after sticking with the Islanders franchise for the first 30+ games of the season, you were traded twice in three days… how did that feel?
AY: I was traded? I knew something was up when someone else’s signature was on my cheques.
JJ: Yes, you were first traded to Pittsburgh, and then to Dallas. You don’t remember?
AY: All joking aside, yes I do remember. All joking aside, no, I don’t care where I end up, as long as I get my money. Heck, if you don’t pay me, I’ll threaten to do interviews in Europe until you give in to my demands.
JJ: I’m starting to figure out why you were traded twice in three days.
JJ: On that note, I must ask your response to the allegations that you are perceived as a “cancer” in the locker room. I mean, the Islanders had one of the highest payrolls in the league, yet have been in the Eastern Conference basement all season.
AY: If you think the poor start was due to me being a bad teammate, you are mistaken. I made a fort of money around my locker so I wouldn’t disrupt the chemistry in the dressing room. Frankly, I blame coach Keenan, Mike Peca, and anyone else who was there while I was on Long Island. They are to blame, not me. They are selfish, not me.
JJ: Fair enough. What about the short experience in Pittsburgh… what was that like?
AY: Terrible. They didn’t have this special type of Gatorade that I like, so I pretty much made it clear to management that I would prefer a change of scenery. They also responded negatively to my demands for a bed in the dressing room. I mean, is it my fault that I need a 4-hour nap each day? Pittsburgh was a classless organization… but still miles better than the Islanders.
JJ: So now that you’re in Dallas… what do you hope to accomplish?
AY: I hope to float around the ice for two and a half years, and then turn it up in my final year and demand $15 million per season. I mean, I am vastly underpaid right now, so I think it’s totally fair if I take a few nights off here and there. I deserve it.
AY: I am >>this<< close to holding out like when I was in Ottawa. I mean, players should be allowed to re-negotiate their contracts at will, so the owners aren’t ripping them off. Three more years at only $9 million is an insult… and everyone knows it. Lattrell Sprewell [who makes $14.5 mil per season] can barely feed his family… how do you think I feel? Maybe if I choke my coach I will get some respect.
JJ: What about the recent allegations about you being a complete psycho?
AY: Who said that?
JJ: Everyone except Lattrell Sprewell.
AY: That’s nonsense. Just because a man is patriotic enough to sell nuclear secrets to his homeland, that doesn’t make him insane.
JJ: Well… I don’t think anyone knew that you were doing that. Taking that into account, you are even worse. Just out of curiosity… what nuclear secrets do you know?
AY: How much money do you have?
JJ: How much will $100 get me?
AY: I wipe my mouth with 100-dollar bills… so good luck to you. Mother Russia paid way better. Is this interview done yet? It’s almost naptime. I just got this new bed stuffed with $20 dollar bills… it’s amazing. You should try it.
JJ: Yah, I had some more questions, but I think we’re about finished here. This is a terrible way to end the year.
AY: Thank you for doing the interview… I’m glad I found a way to convey my charming personality to the public. My image should definitely improve after this. Now I’m off to rob the elderly… See ya!